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Yesterday (Monday, February 13, 2012), while taking my daily three-and-three-quarter mile walk, I was at a corner waiting for the walk light to turn green. Three young men in their early twenties were at the same corner, and one of them asked me a question in that way that was clearly meant to make me uncomfortable: “Are you a dude or a woman?”
Obviously, at that moment in time their were enough visual clues for him to cause him wonder about which sex I am, and he was rude enough to ask me what he thought would be for me a humiliating question.
I could’ve ignored him, but I didn’t.
I could’ve answered “I’m a woman,” and perhaps added a invective epithet to the end of that line, but I didn’t.
I could’ve answered “I’m a woman, but I’m also a male-to-female transsexual,” but I didn’t.
Instead, I looked him straight in the eye and said without weakness or animosity, “Well, I’m transgender.” I chose to fully embrace my sociopolitical trans identity in my answer to that young man.
It’s clear what he expected from me to feel was humiliated at the asking of his question. It’s clear that he expected me to embrace internalized transphobia. He didn’t expect me to be matter of fact regarding my trans identity; the young man looked somewhat taken aback at my answer.
[More below the fold.]
A week ago yesterday (Monday, February 6, 2012), I had my ninth anniversary of living out of the closet. I was a work study working at the Patient Health Library at the VA Heathcare Center in San Diego — the photo included with this post is of me on that first day as Autumn. After coming out of the closet, I never went back into it; I never went “stealth.” Living as a woman, embracing the sex of my gender identity, for me didn’t mean I wanted to erase my history of presenting the first 43-years of my life as male. I came out in an exercise of honesty with myself, and giving up my history to be stealth would have meant I would be publicly embracing less than the full truth about myself.
But besides not wanting to give up my history, there’s more to my public embrace of my sociopolitical trans identity. “The Mayor of Castro Street,” gay civil rights activist Harvey Milk, said this in his 1978 speech That’s What America Is:
Gay brothers and sisters,… You must come out. Come out… to your parents… I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives… come out to your friends… if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors… to your fellow workers… to the people who work where you eat and shop… come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene.
And in an interview with Joseph Beam in 1987, Rustin stated this:
[I]f people do not organize in the name of their interest, the world will not take them as being serious. And that is the chief reason that every person who is gay should join some gay organization. Because he most prove to the world that he cares about his own freedom. People will never fight for your freedom if you have not given evidence that you are prepared to fight for it yourself. Incidentally, that’s the reason that every gay who is in the closet is ultimately a threat to the freedom of gays. I don’t want to seem intolerant to them and I think we have to say that to them with a great deal of affection, but remaining in the closet is the other side of the prejudice against gays. Because until you challenge it, you are not playing an active role in fighting it.
Trans people can learn from gay icons.
I belong to the one subcommunity of the LGBT community that people graduate from. What I mean in saying that is that trans people tend to come out of the closet at the beginning of their transitions, receive the assistance they need from the trans and medical communities, and sometimes join the struggle for trans people’s civil rights. However, usually before four years have passed many of these folks “disappear” from trans community. Whether it be because they “pass” in their target sexes and then are no longer discriminated against — so they no longer feel the need to fight against discrimination; whether they believe that they came out to be embraced as a member of their target sex and not be embraced as trans, not wanting to be seen as a “third-sexed” individual; whether they wish to leave a community that’s filled with constant infighting and a tendency to eat our own — whatever the reason of individual trans people, these folk “graduate” out of trans community.
It’s easy to say to my trans siblings “Come out, come out, wherever you are.” But coming out of, and staying out of, the closet means subjecting themselves to discrimination they wouldn’t otherwise face — especially for those who “pass” in their target sexes — and could impact employability. Staying out of the closet often means not being seen as being members of our target sexes. Staying out of the closet, when public to other trans people, often also means being eaten alive with personal criticism by other trans people, as well as lesbian, gay and bisexual people in the LGBT community.
And yet with that said, we are at that place now in a growing trans civil rights movement where what Bayard Rustin said about how staying in the closet is the other side of prejudice is true for trans people — it can be an embracing of internalized transphobia.
Trans people can’t afford community invisibility if we want antidiscrimination protections based on gender identity in housing, employment, and public accommodation; if we want equal access to education and access to appropriate healthcare; if we want to have appropriate identification documents for us in our gender identities. Trans people can’t expect our allies (and potential allies) to join the struggle for our civil rights issues if we won’t publicly join the struggle for those issues ourselves.
Even knowing what a hard ask it is to ask trans people to stay out of the closet — to reject “stealth” — I’ll ask anyway.
Come out, come out, wherever you are my trans siblings. Trans people need to be out of the closet not just for our own sakes, but paraphrasing how Harvey Milk described why we need to be out, we should stay out of the closet in part for the sake of those trans people who come out after us — especially for those next generations of trans youth.
13 Comments
I hear you, loud and clear. I came out in 1996 and lost all my high school friends and my parents disowned me. I got involved locally in Arizona, then moved to Georgia and got involved locally and nationally. I have made history and saw history made. But it has taken a lot out of me. I’m tired and I just want to live with my partner, Darlene.
At the end of June, I will have lived as Monica for 15 years and on December 1st, I will have lived 1/4th of my life as Monica. I’m out where it matters, but not everywhere. My neighbors probably don’t know. I’m sure they see Darlene and I as lesbians, because we never hid that.
You don’t need to broadcast your situation to everyone you meet, but you also should not shy away when asked. Most people are not like the young man Autumn met, and their question gives you an opportunity to educate. Education is our responsibility.
However, those who should already be educated, our gay, lesbian and bisexual brothers and sister, should respect us and learn from the many places we leave our “fingerprints.” There is a point where we should not have to keep educating the LGB leaders. They need to take that responsibility on themselves, if they plan of being a leader in the LGB*T* community. There is no excuse for not knowing about trans people if you are leading an organization that includes us in their membership.
Bravo, Autumn. It’s so simple, yet so powerful. I am who I am.
To such questioners – - and there are so many of them, alas – - I reply, too: “I am a transgendered woman.” And then I append my own question back to them: “And you?”
The invitation to self-define is a challenging one for many people. Usually there’s no response. But I hope that sometimes, people go home with a new thought in their head, about actually reflecting on something that they have never been asked to reflect on before. Something that I and my trans comrades reflect on, every day of our lives. Which I view, sincerely, as a rare and divine blessing.
We can never be humiliated if we walk in pride, dignity, and integrity.
Sara
As you might expect, many people with trans histories believe that the concept of stealth (or whatever one calls blending in) is not equal to “living in the closet”, and that consequently, sharing one’s history isn’t a coming out.
Then your blending into society, Mak, is detrimental to the generations of trans people who come after you.
As Bayard Rustin said, “People will never fight for your freedom if you have not given evidence that you are prepared to fight for it yourself…Because until you challenge it, you are not playing an active role in fighting it.”
I would say that your invisibility contributes to the number of states that don’t allow trans people to change their identification cards and birth certificates. I would say that your invisibility contributes to the trans people who don’t have access to appropriate healthcare — both for basic healthcare and for gender dysphoria. I would say that your invisibility contributes to not having employment and housing antidiscrimination protections in more than half of the United States based on gender identity and gender expression, as well as not having federal employment antidiscrimination protections.
There are transyouth who deserve a better world than most of us trans adults were born into. If you don’t join the struggle for their ordinary equality, for availability of appropriate and adequate healthcare for them, and for their ability to obtain appropriate identification documentation, then who are you relegating the responsibility for those things to?
And that’s the problem with what you describe as blending in. You leave the struggle for our next generations of trans adults and transyouth to others — and worse, you leave the fate of trans adults and transyouth to in part to the social conservatives. You know, the ones who would deny ordinary equality to all transgender, transsexual, and gender nonconforming people.
I was responding to the definition of “outing oneself” rather than the whole reason behind your post. There is no outing if one doesn’t consider oneself hiding.
I sense your point of view is colored by your own problems with blending, as I’m sure it wouldn’t occur to you to mention to the young man on the street corner your history if it wasn’t questioned in the first place. Having that as a daily reminder must hurt you deeply, and consequently focus your energies as an activist. I can appreciate that.
With respect to the rest of your reply however, I would say that my “invisibility” as you call it (I call it privacy), allows me to earn a decent living and provide for my family. It is, and they are, my first, and most important responsibility. You might feel a responsibility to the coming generations, but for me, that hardly ranks compared to my present responsibilities.
In addition, my “invisibility” (as you call it) allows me to earn enough money to give to causes that provide for people who choose to be activists; people who choose to be visible. That’s how I meet my responsibility to help others.
And finally, my “invisibility” allows me to selectively disclose my history to those who need to know, to those that I care enough to let them know, and to those that might benefit from it such as a trans youth, without compromising my other responsibilities.
Just remember…Walt Disney was the guy everyone knew as Mr. Disney, but it was his brother Roy who made them rich.
I first came out of the closet in 1982 but was forced back in between 1986 and 1991 while I served in the Navy. In fact, I only had girls’ running shoes to report to basic training with and no money to buy others. Out of the closet for good in 1992 and though some family members loath me for it, out of all of the people I called friends none of them abandoned me. Not one. I guess that might be a result of the fact that even while in the closet, I didn’t hang around with assholes.
My answer to that is” Why, yes and you?” Of course their response. Is normally a blank stare!
Yep! My saying, in any of these situations is “Out leaves no doubt.”
Self esteem is so, so important. It’s as important as air. Closets choke.
It seems to me that whether people are closeted depends on whether they are presenting in some way other than how they view themselves. If they are concerned with “passing” in a “target sex,” or if they believe they are hiding their “full truth,” perhaps they are closeted. If they believe they are presenting simply and completely as they view themselves, perhaps they are not.
I am a gay man who knows very little about being transgender, so I found your piece educational. I’ve always wondered what to call transgender people – by the gender they identify as, or simply transgender? Sounds like there isn’t a universal agreement on that, but then gays and lesbians aren’t in agreement about what we should be called either.
I agree with your argument about using transgender for political purposes. I wear a wedding ring; though I’m not legally married (Indiana doesn’t recognize same-sex marriages), I had a religious ceremony in 1996 and consider myself married. People often notice my ring and ask about my wife. I could simply refer to my husband without addressing his gender, and sometimes I do just that. Sometimes with a quick encounter there isn’t time to go into the specifics. Other times I’m not in the mood for a lengthy discussion. But I recognize the importance of outing myself. Visibility doesn’t always change minds, but in my experience, many times it has. It’s an important tool to open the doors that are closed to so many of us.
I applaud your courage and insight.
I kicked off my closet door back in the 80s and haven’t looked back since.
I’ve lost jobs, and I’ve had figurative doors slammed in my face when going for interviews so many times I gave up. I don’t live in the closet and I’ll be damned if go back in just to find work.
I’m an activist, a rabblerouser, an organizer, and a fighter for allied causes.
I go on hate sites like onenewsnow to refute the lies and distortions vomited by the hatemongers and bigots.
I have an internet radio show every Monday from 4-5pm on transgender and allied issues because I want to make sure that our voices are not silenced, and that the deaths of my trans brothers and sisters are not forgotten.
I go on to proclaim our victories and slam our defeats, because if we aren’t united in this fight: lesbians, bisexuals and gays — no matter what your economic status! — the bigots will pick us off one by one because we aren’t united, which scares the bigots to death!
Thank you for your work, Autumn, Monica, Laurel, Kate, Leslie, Ethan, and all the other transfolk and allies doing what they can to advance our cause for equality.
I think it’s a problem when the risk of being open and out is reduced to risks to employability, one’s gender being seen as legitimate, and being criticized. Being out as trans carries the risk of being assaulted, abused, and killed; risks to employability is also known as risk of being unemployed and homeless; risks of criticism is also known as exactly this post, which is criticizing other trans people for their survival choices.
I believe if you can be out, if you have the strength and social support to be out, rock it; if you don’t have the strength and/or social support and you choose to be out despite that, I hope I can provide some of what you need; and if you need to be stealth, I thank you for doing what you need to survive and hope you don’t make choices to support your being stealth that would compromise yourself or other trans people for being trans. But I think this is an absurd example of a way that others should be expected to emulate as a structure of outness, and a problematic accusation that people who are not actively outing themselves at this sort of “opportunity” are unable to help, or are actively hurting, activism in trans people’s favor. Volunteering information as to one’s history and anatomy when someone asks one’s gender isn’t a requirement for activism, and I say this as someone who usually responds to “are you a man or a woman” with “not really” or “it doesn’t matter”. Which is my choice, based on my circumstances.
I agree, Zeo. Trying to guilt people into being “out and proud” only breeds resentment.
Activism need not be standing with a picket sign and a megaphone. It can be calling cis people out on their transphobia when they make a passing comment about, say, Chaz Bono, and explaining to them why it’s wrong to espouse such views. You don’t need to be “out” in order to change hearts and minds. I also think there’s something to be said about “infiltrating the system” and changing it from the inside rather than the outside, which is something that living in “stealth” can help tremendously with.
And let’s face it: not everyone makes a good activist.