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NOTE FROM PAM: Today brought news to our inbox that Autumn and I wanted to share with Blend readers in what we feel is an appropriate context. We learned that Dan Choi, who sacrificed his privacy to take on a high-profile role as one of the public faces of the impact of the discriminatory policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, has been hospitalized and is in the hands of professional mental health practitioners at a Veterans Administration facility. Dan explained in his email:
I did not initially want to publicize this but I now realize it is critical for our community to know several things: veterans gay or straight carry human burdens, Activists share similar burdens, no activist should be portrayed as super human, and the failures of government and national lobbying carry consequences far beyond the careers and reputations of corporate leaders, elected officials, High powered lobbyists, or political elites. They ruin lives. My breakdown was a result of a cumulative array of stressors but there is no doubt that the composite betrayals felt on Thursday, by elected leaders and gay organizations as well as many who have exploited my name for their marketing purposes have added to the result. I am certain my experience is not an isolated incident within the gay veteran community.At the same time, those who have been closest to me know that I truly appreciate their gracious help and mentorship. I am indebted to their hospitality and leadership.
If you could share the info and sentiment I’d be most grateful.
So yes, this is newsworthy, and Dan clearly wanted to share what he could have left private, or had to deal with had information about this leaked out. But this is another gift to the community — to open up a multi-faceted discussion: 1) the mental health toll taken by gay and lesbian service members; 2) the stressors that arise when also thrown into the public eye as a matter of fate or circumstance, not as a job.
As a society we tend to bury mental health issues, always trying to pretend that everyone can just “suck it up” and bear all of life’s maelstrom, and that there is inherent weakness in needing mental health services. Far from it, there are many people in desperate need of professional help in this vein who don’t seek assistance because of the stigma still attached to mental health issues. A snippet of what I said in my response to Dan:
…Now you have a chance to actually rest, get off of the hamster wheel and take care of yourself. Sometimes this is what it takes for those who find it hard to ratchet down. Part of gaining perspective is to take care of your mental health as Dan Choi the person, the human being. “Activist” is an acquired label, worn by you in a very public manner – it’s a difficult burden.This is private time to both heal and build up the skills you need to handle the anxiety that can be crippling and painful. That’s a process, one that takes time, practice…I trust that you will cast the outside world out of your mind for a while. It will obviously be there when you’re ready to engage, and the world will be just as screwed up as it ever was.
What matters is that you gain back your strength. Your health – mental, physical, spiritual – is more important than any of this.
And the closet is no place for mental illness, there is no need for euphemisms that skirt the issue of addressing a clinical matter. Doing so only makes it that much harder for those who suffer in silence from getting the help they need, and in the military, the stigma remains strong.
Autumn recounts some of her own experiences as a veteran who has sought help in the VA system below.
POST FROM AUTUMN: As most of you know, I took to the White House fence with Dan Choi in April and November. In the photo below and to the right, I’m in the dress blue Navy uniform standing next to Dan.
And too, as those who have been following Pam’s House Blend for awhile, you know I retired from the military in 2000, and have a Veterans Administration (VA) Disability Rating of 100% — my VA Disability Rating is Service Connected. 
The main reason I have that rating is a bipolar type II and a half condition, also known as cyclothymic disorder. I was hospitalized in at the San Diego VA Medical Center’s Psychiatric Unit in 2004 because I’d been overmedicated on my then mood stabilizer, Gabapentin, in large part to help me deal with an extraordinary amount of stress I was under at the time. At the time of that hospitalization, I wasn’t a public figure, but I was a public figure when my friend Christine Daniels died by suicide in November of 2009, and I then had a significant panic attack — which is a kind of anxiety attack, and was associated for me with mania.
Significant stress is a trigger for me; I have hypomania, depression, and anxiety attacks when I feel stressed.
For others who aren’t bipolar like me, though, significant stress still can result in anxiety attacks, depression, and mental breakdowns.
For example, as a military veteran I’m very aware that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a particular kind of anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.
Personally, I’ve had to learn how to deal with my stressors in a way that doesn’t harm my ability to function in society. I had to learn, through years of therapy, that I need to address my own needs even while attempting to deal with the needs of others. I have to limit certain kinds of stress I experience — a reason why I don’t work is because work stress is difficult for me. So, even though I work hard to address issues relating to the freedom, equality, and justice of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people, I’ve had to learn what I can and can’t do for the causes I believe in; I’ve had to learn that I have real limitations, and that trying to exceed my personal limitations leads to negative outcomes.
The therapy I’ve had has helped me figure out my limitations, as well as helping me figure out strategies for dealing with stressors to minimize debilitating mood swings and panic attacks. Without the mental health resources I have as a retired, disabled, Persian Gulf War veteran, I don’t believe I would have broken thorough to the functionality that I currently enjoy most of the time.
Basically, I’m not Superwoman.
In the same vein, Dan Choi isn’t Superman. I don’t know all of the personal and public stressors Dan has recently experienced, nor do I know exactly what kind of anxiety Dan has recently experienced. He gets to have his health care related privacy, and he is free to share — or not share — about the medical conditions that find him hospitalized.
What I do know is that Dan did the responsible thing, and decided to seek professional help through the Veterans Administration when he felt he needed help. He is no doubt resting and receiving the help of professionals that he needs. And, he chose to inform people publicly that he is hospitalized, and he is receiving treatment.
It’s too easy to forget that Dan Choi is not just a brave and strong combat veteran, but he’s a human being too. I know that from time I’ve spent with him before engaging in the White House direct actions he truly is brave and strong. He’s lived through combat; he’s taken upon himself a fight against Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell for what he hopes will be the benefit of the broad LGBT community. Those are some big stressors Dan has taken upon himself.
I’ve watched as politicians treat lesbian, gay, and bisexual veterans as if they are political footballs instead of qualified, honorable servicemembers who are prepared to die for their country. I’m sure Dan personally feels treated as less than fully human by many politicians in Washington. Dan’s bravery and strength have limitations, and it now appears that he’s ran into some of those limits.
Dan isn’t alone. There are many, many servicemembers who have seen combat — enduring stresses most of us can’t imagine — and yet are still valuable members of society. Dan has been, and still is, a valuable member of his veterans and LGBT communities. Hopefully, when Dan has engaged for awhile in the treatment he knows he needs, he’ll again be productive — but hopefully while taking better care of his own needs in the process, and hopefully while better functioning within his own limitations.
As Dan Choi talks now about what combat veterans go through, and now begins a discussion within his communities on the stigma that veterans — especially LGBT veterans — who reach out for help face, he will create space for positive change.
Sue Fulton, the chair of Knight’s Out and a board member of OutServe, had this to say about Dan:
Dan Choi is both a hero AND a human being, who has exhausted himself in the pursuit of justice. Our prayers are with him, and we hope for his speedy recovery.
I have similar thoughts to Sue’s thoughts; my warmest thoughts are for Dan’s well-being.
JD Smith, chair of OutServe, added this:
Dan brought our movement to a whole new level. We all have our roles to play in this movement and he played one of the most important: making us challenge and evaluate how exactly we are challenging the status quo to get equal.
Dan Choi is brave, strong, and needing mental health assistance now — and all of those things are true all at the same time. That, as well as the sacrifices he has made for his country and LGBT community, have contributed towards his need of assistance. Those are issues that are worth discussing.
My hope for LGBT community is that we won’t stigmatize or minimize Dan Choi for reaching out for the mental health assistance he needs now. Our LGBT veterans deserve to be treated with honor, respect, and with dignity; Dan Choi is among the bravest and strongest LGBT veterans I’ve ever met, and he deserves honor, respect, and dignity. I’m proud to know him, and proud to continue to stand by him as he receives the assistance he needs now.
Servicemembers United reminded us in a Veterans Day email blast of this:
Of the approximately 21.8 million veterans in the United States today, over 1 million are LGBT. And of the 1.2 million active servicemembers, over 66,000 are LGB. While the discrimination we face as a minority under DADT has been very real to all of us, Servicemembers United wants to take this Veterans Day to focus on an issue that affects the entire wider military community, regardless of orientation, color, religion, gender, or age.Post Traumatic Stress (PTS) remains a serious issue for servicemembers and veterans. While PTS can affect anyone, its impact can be exacerbated with gay and lesbian troops and vets because of our frequent unwillingness to trust military doctors and sometimes even VA healthcare providers. For those who are skeptical about seeking evaluation and treatment for PTS because of the cloud of DADT, Servicemembers United has been featuring two civilian resources as alternatives on its homepage.
Give An Hour and The Soldiers Project are two civilian mental health provider networks that can hook up servicemembers, vets, and even their families (including LGBT families) with free counseling and other mental health services, and many of these providers specialize in treating PTS. Several of our members have used these networks to get the care they needed but were hesitant to seek elsewhere, and both organizations have confirmed to Servicemembers United that they are very welcoming of gay and lesbian troops, vets, and partners.
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27 Comments
Shocked and saddenedBut I’ve worried that Dan carried too much of a burden on his shoulders for a while, and have encouraged him to afford himself some time off, when I’ve spoken to him. He is only human, a trait I fear he forgets. I am glad he’s sought help.
I was at RootsCamp in DC over the weekend, a conference of activists and organizers. So many asked me about Dan, it worried me. I wondered if something was up. But everyone’s curiosity was motivated by genuine concern. He has an army of people behind him, wishing the best for him. As do I.
Our brains are just another organ…like our heart, lungs, kidneys, etc. And just like our other organs, our brains can suffer from traumas, illnesses and syndromes. There should be no more stigma surrounding seeking help when there’s something wrong with our brains than when there’s something wrong with our lungs.
Kudos to Dan for sharing something very personal with the world in the hopes that it will continue to diminish this silly stigma around mental health issues.
I myself have benefited several times from the skills of mental health professionals and the more people are comfortable with seeking their help, the better.
Please Send My best wishes for a full recovery to Dan. Having suffered MI myself, I know how tough it can be. At least we know he is getting care.
Those who fight for equality do have their bad daysTotally understandable. Dr. King was in the hospital for exhaustion when he got news of his Nobel Peace Prize.
Dan is still leading by sharing this with usYou don’t have to have a history in the military to have learned by our society that we’re supposed to see a need for mental health treatment as a sign of weakness. By unflinchingly sharing his news with us Dan continues to show us his mettle.
I can only imagine the multi-layered stress he’s been under. It’s tough enough just to be an LGBT blogger, with full access to Cheetoes 24-7, to watch our civil rights and humanity be debated by others in public. It makes me sick every time it happens. But in the case of DADT at least my personal career and veterans benefits are not on the line, nor does the involvement of the military in the debate risk triggering PTSD in me. So I’ve got it pretty good. Dan and our other LGBT soldiers and veterans have a much heavier emotional load to carry right now, and it is no wonder they sometimes need to put down that load for a time.
Rest up Dan, and thank you for demonstrating that asking for help can be the bravest thing to do.
Dan looks more like a hero to me than he ever has before.This brave man has sacrificed himself in the cause of gay equality. We all owe him an enormous debt of gratitude and support. He typifies the kind of leader our community needs badly but gets so very rarely. I wish him the speediest possible recovery and the happiest possible life thereafter.
Lt. Choi is one of very few people whom I look up to…I wish him the very best and I feel that his health is the most important thing he can concentrate on.
Lt. Choi is one of those people whom I feel comes along only every hundred years or so. Even in his time of need he displays bravery, openness, and transparency.
Pam and Autumn are on that short list too, for dedication, selflessness; and above all, courage.
Absorbed BurdenDan has absorbed the burden of putting himself out there for those can not do it. In the beginning I did not support the way in which Dan chained himself to The White House fence in uniform and was insulted as a military retiree. We all know that we never use our uniform to portray a political message. But now I think I was wrong and the gloves are off at this point in the game.
Dan also represents (on a larger scale because of his exposure) the daily pressures the LGBT military member experiences with DADT. It’s a horrible burden to carry around when all we all wanted to do is do our jobs and be a patriot. It HAS to stop!! Enough is enough.
I send Dan my warmest regards for a speedy recovery during this very disappointing and upsetting time in our history. Dan, it WILL get better!!
For those of you who visit the Great Orange Satan, Sara R is making a quilt for Dan. She will add your message to the quilt. Here’s the link to her diary: http://www.dailykos.com/story/…
glad he recognized the needa few years ago i remember standing in a field with some organizers blocking out where the stage for the upcoming rally should be set up, and one of my friends phone rang. turned out to be one of our fellow organizers who was calling to say he would not be speaking at the rally, as he had checked himself into the hospital. this fellow was straight, but had been sent to afghanistan, iraq and worked the gulag in guantanamo bay. he came back a committed activist to stop the atrocities he had been a part of, but a combination of the horrors he had taken part in and the stress of organizing took its toll. although it was horrible that he was suffering, i was relieved that he was able to recognize the signs and checked into the hospital rather than choosing to permanently check out.
i have friends who were viet nam war vets who had to drop out of antiwar organizing for their own sanity and well being for similar reasons. i remember staying over at one of these friends house during the fight to stop the first iraq war, and hearing him wake up screaming in the middle of the night.
these friends were used and discarded by the government, but didn’t have the added insult of being told they weren’t even good enough to be recognized as worthy of being used because they were gay or lesbian.
i wish dan choi a full recovery, and am glad that he recognized the problem as the physical ailment that it is. organizing burnout is a sad but common phenomenon , sometimes people can return to the fight, sometimes it is too painful. i hope he takes care not to push himself too hard
i don’t know why people think that the brain is a body part that is somehow different from any other. if the mechanical and/or chemical balance is disrupted our brain is no less likely to malfunction than our muscles or kidneys or any other body part.
A Sad Cheap ShotI hope Mr. Choi gets the help he needs. It is sad and unfortunate that this development prompted so little self-reflection among Blah-gahs.
Rather this posts read like just another cheap shot at others who work hard and sacrifice daily for the gay, bi and transgender community.
Perhaps unplugging the Blackberry is the first step toward regaining balance. This sentence doesn’t bode well:
“My breakdown was a result of a cumulative array of stressors but there is no doubt that the composite betrayals felt on Thursday, by elected leaders and gay organizations as well as many who have exploited my name for their marketing purposes have added to the result.”
And why include this at all?: “the stressors that arise when also thrown into the public eye as a matter of fate or circumstance, not as a job.”
Movement work is stressful whether you plunge into it with the zeal of the newly out or if you pass up other careers to dedicate yourself full-time as an activist.
For everyone who hoisted Mr. Choi upon a pedestal and then sucked the marrow from his bones did anyone wonder if it wasn’t a bit too much for someone conflicted about living under DADT, rejected by family, thrust into the spotlight?
No, he is your blank canvass and even now these post work to squeeze one more drop.
I will say what many think but fear to express. This particular strain of newly minted activists, usually rife with internalized conflict –full of sound and fury, trashing all that came before them — generally burnout in spectacular fashion in a heap of bitterness. Mr. Choi is not new. The messiah narrative always collides with the real world where the unglamorous work still has to get done.
Instead of privacy and introspection, we get another round of sweep weeks blog antics.
Can blogs even survive unless they use or trash their own? Here’s to your health Mr. Choi and here’s to the organization leaders who worked tirelessly for 17 years to bring us to the precipice of overturning the ban even while others toiled under its smothering weight, quietly and complicitly.
Thanks DanIt is stressful being a leader in the LGBT movement and fighting the federal government. You have our full support Dan! Take a well deserved rest and thank you for your leadership!
you’re not grasping what I meantAnd why include this at all?: “the stressors that arise when also thrown into the public eye as a matter of fate or circumstance, not as a job.”
It’s quite different to become a public movement activist by choice, not circumstance. For lack of a better term, the “accidental activist” issue. If you’re not well-prepared for a media maelstrom it can consume you. Folks who are in the movement and professional communications positions are trained and prepared. Most hard-working movement activists don’t get thrown before cameras for comment about national issues, they toil in way too much obscurity at the grassroots level given the hard work that they do. It makes them no less important, but you cannot equate someone who is, say a spokesperson for an LGBT organization to Dan Choi, yet he has functioned at that high a communications level with all the pressures and responsibilities of ”representing.” Thus you see the large amount of criticism of he and other high-profile activists all in the same barrel.
And of course you’re entitled to disagree about the nature of this post, but the fact is that you’re here commenting about it when no one forced you to read it. I am not looking for “sweeps week” eyeballs. I really don’t give a damn if I have 10,000 readers or 300 or 10. If people read, fine, if they don’t like what they see, I’m sure they can click their way to something more satisfying, enlightening and to their taste.
VA Mental Health CareJust a note about current VA mental health care. During the last couple of years a major change has been started to improve the mental health care system of the VA. Therapists and docs I have talked to, including my own, say they are seeing changes to more modern care. For those of us from the Vietnam era and earlier, there was no PTSD. So mental health care was based on different concepts. With the SW Asia wars and the lack of care at military hospitals, notably Walter Reed, the military and VA (completely separate entities) were forced to change and modernize. Congress is still stingy with the needed dollars, but at least there has been some change for the good.
the vai’m being treated at the va for cptsd and i’ve experienced no homophobia with my civilan doctors. i hope that will be dan’s experience too. i’m impressed with his integrity and i wish him peace. i can’t imagine how discouraging it is to have to talk with all those idiots in dc.
robin
The BEST WAY to Support Dan Choi is to Support the Cause:
Call your Senators! Tell them to “Pass DADT repeal or be voted out in the next elections”
(202)224-3121
http://www.senate.gov/general/…
Didn’t know that!Thank you Alvin.
AgreedAny soldier can tell when they have an injured leg that needs treatment; it takes awareness, courage and strength to assess an injured mind. Thank goodness Dan was able to see this and take the proper steps to heal.
We do expect a full recovery…and future happiness and peace for Dan.And for all our Soldiers still being killed in these senseless wars. Even our Republican Newspaper has taken it up to post every death as front page news! I hope all our countries newspapers will do so honoring every one of our soldiers gay and straight.This is my Christmas Song for the year: I think it fits well here.
I’ve been seeing a lot ofthose little snippets of filler on the local news lately–the ones where service people and their families send video greetings back home for the holidays. And every time one comes on, I have the same thought: When I finally see one where a GAY family sends holiday greetings to their loved ones, that’s when Christmas will really start feeling like Christmas to me.
It’s harder dealing with Dan’s condition under the scrutiny of the mediaI’ve dealt with depression, and my lover has had mental health issues for most of his adult life. The ignorance about mental health issues leads to stigmitizing those patients.
Best wishes to Dan in his recovery
Um, what?Dan Choi said he wanted this information made public. All the coverage I’ve seen so far, including that out of PHB, has been supportive and non-intrusive.
Perhaps I’m suffering from a short attention span, but it’s difficult to parse precisely what your complaint is from this long, meandering comment. It doesn’t make much sense to complain that blogs are exploiting Dan by making public the same information that he released for public consumption.
Dan ChoiI continue to be humbled by your courage.
One thing I admire greatly is that you have always been very HUMAN in the face of this insane and mind numbingly inane bigotry.
Thank you, and I hope you get better soon.
Best Wishes For A Full And Speedy Recovery To Dan ChoiOur military and political leaders could learn much from Lt. Dan Choi. While I have never served myself, it seems to me that Dan Choi exemplifies the very highest values expected of our military personnel. This is a man who clearly put his life on the line to give his all to accomplishing his mission just as surely as if he were on an actual battlefield.
I just hope that when Senators cast their votes on DADT next week, the actions, courage, and humanity of this American hero are uppermost in their thoughts.
Rest up and get well, Lt.Choi. We’ll hold down the fort until you get back.
To be expected….I’m not surprised by this. Dan has been showing all the warning signs of depression for a while. Throw a little PTSD in and you’ve got a recipe for a really nasty medical problem. The only way that you can help a person in such a situation is let them figure it out for themselves that they need help. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.
It’s good to hear that he’s recognized that he needs help. Realizing that is half of the battle.
I hate to raise this comparison, however I think that Dan will get a lot better help than either a trans or intersex person with similar issues. Just stating the obvious, as while Homosexuality is becoming less controversial amongst psychological medical practitioners, gender identity isn’t. That’s no disrespect to what Dan’s going through (as he’s in for a rough road ahead), just an observation that the US doesn’t have anywhere near the level of psych support that most of it’s allies with lgbti service-members have.
Get well soon, buddy.
Excellent post, Autumn, as usual…Well, I was going to write pretty much the same thing you already wrote — GMTA! My experience is shockingly similar to your’s and Dan’s. The mental health toll of lying in order to protect one’s life and career when one isn’t wired to LIE or be DISHONEST over some ridiculous institutional policy does take its toll on us.
My hope and prayer is that Dan returns stronger after treatment and re-engages in the fight like we have. I’m quite sure, after proper rest and treatment, he will be back with us to fight for the recognition of our civil rights.
While he takes time to recover, I’m going to take the time to thank all my LGBT veteran friends who have sacrificed their mental health because of this egregious policy in order to serve our country.
-Timothy Beauchamp
AMERICAblog Gay
Respect for PTSDPeople who are dealing with PTSD deserve our respect.
My dad lead a squadron of 17 flyers in WWII. Only two came back from the war. He dealt with PTSD for decades.
My father’s experience is not unlike mine, losing scores of friends to HIV…..in the “war” on AIDS. My dad is still alive and we have both learned something about PTSD from our life experiences.
Who knows what happened to Dan Choi when he was in combat? It’s his business to tell us and only if and when he wants to share it.
Meanwhile respect for his service as well as his privacy is in order.