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Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, as it has in the past regarding DADT with its Letters From the Frontlines series, puts a human face on the toll that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has taken on those serving in silence. Each day this week, SLDN will feature a letter of a service member that has felt that impact of this discriminatory legislation.
Below the fold is a letter is by Lynne Kennedy, partner to Capt. Joan Darrah, U.S. Navy (Ret.). They have been together for 20 years this December.With the Pentagon’s family survey now in the field, Servicemembers Legal Defense Network (SLDN), a national, legal services and policy organization dedicated to ending “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT), will release a letter each day this week from family members and spouses of former service members impacted by DADT.
As the Pentagon reaches out to 150,000 straight couples on how their lives are impacted, these letters will share the perspective of those forced to serve under this law alongside their loved ones. SLDN is urging supporters of repeal to call, write, and schedule in-district meetings with both their senators as the defense budget, which contains the repeal amendment, moves to the floor just weeks from now. How you can help.
General Carter F. Ham
Commanding General, U.S. Army Europe
Co-Chair, Comprehensive Review Working GroupHon. Jeh C. Johnson
General Counsel, U.S. Department of Defense
Co-Chair, Comprehensive Review Working GroupCC: U.S. Sen. Carl M. Levin, Chairman, Senate Armed Services Committee
U.S. Sen. John S. McCain, Ranking Member, Senate Armed Services Committee
U.S. Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman, Member, Senate Armed Services CommitteeDear General Ham and Mr. Johnson:
In 1990 - while working as a reference librarian at the Library of Congress -- I met Joan Darrah, an active duty Naval Officer. I already knew about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," but I soon woke up to the harsh reality that loved ones of gay and lesbian family members are forced to serve in silence, too.
Over the years, Joan had adjusted to living two lives -- in the closet at work and out after hours. For me, it was a bit of an adjustment as I had been fortunate to work for an employer who valued my skills and expertise and realized that my being a lesbian in no way detracted from my ability to do a great job.
I knew that Joan could be deployed at any moment. She may be away from home for two or three years. I realized that being with an active duty military officer was even more constricting than I could have possibly imagined and I worried constantly about Joan's well being. Yet, through it all, I knew our relationship was worth the compromises. I knew we had to make it work for Joan to continue to serve our Country.
There were so many things that we had to be careful about. For example, Joan had asked that I not call her at work unless it was truly an emergency. When we were out in public if Joan saw someone from work, I learned to "disappear," until Joan's co-worker moved on. We didn't dare go to nice restaurants on Valentine's Day or even Saturday nights. We could not show any familiarity while out in public. I went to parties at colleagues' homes alone lest a guest I didn't know learn that Joan was in the Navy.
The events of September 11, 2001, caused us both appreciate more fully the true impact of DADT on our lives and the reality of our mutual sacrifices. At 8:30 a.m. that morning, Joan went to a meeting in the Pentagon. At 9:30 a.m., she left that meeting. At 9:37 a.m., the plane flew into the Pentagon and destroyed the exact space that Joan had left less than eight minutes earlier, killing seven of her colleagues.
In the days and weeks that followed, Joan went to several funerals and memorial services for her co-workers who had been killed. Most people attended these services with their spouses whose support was critical at this difficult time, yet Joan was forced to go alone, even though I really wanted to be with her to provide support.
As the numbness began to wear off, it hit me how incredibly alone I would have been had Joan been killed. The military is known for how it pulls together and helps people; we talk of the "military family," which is a way of saying we always look after each other, especially in times of need. But, none of that support would have been available for me, because under DADT, I didn't exist.
In fact, I would have been one of the last people to know had Joan been killed, because nowhere in her paperwork or emergency contact information had Joan dared to list my name.
Whenever I hear Joan recount the events of that day, I relive it and realize all over again how devastated I would have been had she been killed. I also think of the partners of service members injured or killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. They are unable to get any support from the military and they must be careful about the amount of support they offer to their closeted service member loved ones.
The events of September 11th caused us to stop and reassess exactly what was most important in our lives. During that process, we realized that this discriminatory law was causing us to make a much bigger sacrifice than either of us had ever admitted.
Eight months later, in June 2002, Joan retired from the U.S. Navy, and I retired from the Library of Congress. If it wasn't for DADT, we might both still be serving in our respective positions.
Lynne Kennedy
7 Comments
Sad – - and I don’t just mean their story.
No disrespect intended to the gay couples participating in this, but the project is a big FAIL for two reasons.
ONE – Asking the Pentagon to take pity on gays now is far too little far too late. Why didn’t SLDN denounce the very idea of this needless study built upon the presumption that it’s GAYS that are the problem from the very first?
TWO – Why aren’t the letters also addressed to Obama? Why isn’t SLDN also asking people to contact HIM and ask HIM to use all the methods at his disposal both as President and real head of the Party to put pressure on Democratic Senators to vote for the bill? Could it be because SLDN & HRC have recently partnered re repeal and we all know how HRC feels about pressuring the President?
All too common a story…But one that I think (hope) will resonate with active duty service members and their families because the “not knowing” is something they must deal with 24/7.
Telling our stories is not “asking the Pentagon to take pity on gays” — it’s about reclaiming common humanity instead of being abstractions.
The HRCbot reports for duty again.
Of course you think it’s a faboo idea because I connected its giving Obama a pass to HRC.
Exactly how is this going to “resonate with active duty service members and their families” when they’ll never read it? Or do you “think (hope)” they read gay blogs?
Tiresome namecallingGets you nowhere.
The first step in telling our stories – which by the way has been one of the most effective ways of changing hearts and minds – is getting them out there to begin with.
Do I know if there are military families reading SLDN’s web site or the Blend? No. But there could be. Likewise, if it’s shared widely via FB, Twitter and other blogs, it may eventually go mainstream (even viral). Hell, it might even get emailed to someone by a PFLAG mom who’s also a Gold Star mother.
Belittling the effort and school-yard taunts are the big FAIL IMHO– but flame away if it makes you feel better.
I for one have already shared this storyb/c I found it here on PHB on a school message board I participate on (that is about 60% alumni/40% current students) where there are at least 20 regular posters who are in the military, and aren’t the kind of people who would read LGBT blogs, but would read a school a message board.
I don’t think it matters much whether this letter says at the top “to the President” rather than “to particular Generals/Members of the Senate Armed Services Committee” b/c besides the fact that the President gets so many more letters than those other groups that statistically he’s less likely to see it, the real point of the letter is telling the story as broadly as possible.
And b/c it has been posted here I was able to pass it on to some military people and other citizens who would not have seen it otherwise, as I imagine many others on LGBT blogs will do.
“Getting them out there”….”As broadly as possible”???
MY point exactly vs. txmichael clicking his ruby slippers together and wishin’ & a’hopin’ it might go viral, or anyone thinking that 20, 30, 40, 50 readers any one of us might pass it on to makes a difference to the roughly 1.4 MILLION on active duty and in the reserves.
So why doesn’t SLDN and HRC take some of their combined millions of dollars, stop their decades-long failed strategy of only preaching to the choir, and place such letters as ads in mainstream newspapers that the troops already read…or better still, in the Air Force Times, Army Times Marine Corps Times, Navy Times, and Stars & Stripes?
Good intentions alone mean nothing in politics.
Thanks for spreading the word… everyone has the opportunity to help make a difference.