For the homobigots out there who are worried about the downfall of marriage if gays and lesbians are allowed to partake in it, let this be an example of how mundane and committed married life can be for some of us working hard on The Homosexual Agenda.

My lovely wife Kate and I decided, instead of eating babies and participating in an orgy, to spend Friday night cleaning out the pantry and fridge of outdated and spoiled food.

It was a revelation of sorts, with various “science projects” in the fridge, and long-outdated canned goods in the pantry. And some of the dates were frightening.

Some of the fun discoveries in the fridge:

  • Moldy green Sargento swiss cheese
  • Ziploc bag containing two boxes of leftover Chinese food, one had leaked through and discolored the box
  • Rubbermaid plastic container with what looked like was a half of an onion at some point.
  • Jar way in the back with one dill pickle floating in its water
  • Deli drawer with various opened packages of deli meats at least a month old.
  • Apples that have been in there at least 2 months at least and do not look spoiled (that seems unnatural, no?)
  • Applesauce that was ancient and still didn’t look spoiled (scary)
  • Various discolored, freezer-burned meats that we didn’t Foodsaver

Some treasures in the pantry:

  • Three cans of Healthy Choice soups with expiration dates of 9/2009 and 7/2008(!).
  • Can of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup (that one I’m blaming on Kate), date: 7/2006(!)
  • Cans of corn dated 8/2009
  • Open boxes of pasta and rice, who knows how old.
  • Open box of Lorna Doones
  • Open bag of Original Goldfish crackers from June

And that was our deviant Friday night of marital bliss, Maggie, Brian, and the rest of you homo-haters out there.

Feel free to share your pantry and fridge purge nightmares in the comments, or tell us about your Friday perversions that should scare the fundies.