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It’s amazing how simultaneously easy yet hard it can be to be yourself. I’m talking about speaking unreservedly about my reality as a married lesbian when it is appropriate to do so during the conduct of routine business.
I’m as out as anyone can be and been married to M, my wife, for over a year. Yet I still have to consciously force myself to say “wife” instead of “partner” when I describe her relationship to me. The reason is, I’ve never cared for the word “wife” because it is loaded with the historical baggage of womens’ subservience to men in their former role as marital chattel. And even today, when women and men are legal equals in the marital relationship, the frequency with which men neglect to refer to their wives by first name but rather just as “my wife”, speaks volumes to the lingering notion that wives are still viewed as a sort of generic accessory for some men.
But I need to get over it and take back the word. My use of that one single word can transmit so much information, open so many conversational possibilities and normalize the fact of married gay and lesbian couples, that I am disappointed in myself when I hesitate and let the opportunity slip by. Today the opportunity to use the word “wife” presented itself, and I met it head-on. It went something like this:
Me: Our car got broadsided while parked.Insurance Agent: It was the Honda owned by M?
Me: Yes.
IA: Is M your friend?
Me: M is my wife, and we’re on the same policy.
IA: When did the collision occur?…
The insurance agent didn’t miss a beat, but just registered the information and continued on with the routine Q & A. Later, during a moment when we were waiting for a 3rd party to respond on her other line, I learned that she was located in Pennsylvania. At the end of the call, she warmly wished me a fine rest of my day and week.
So what happened here? I had the opportunity to let some stranger who lives in an anti-equality state know in a simple, factual way that married lesbian couples like me and my wife exist, and that we’ll readily say so when it is relevant. And she had the opportunity to demonstrate that I was just as deserving of her professional courtesy as the next caller.
I know there is nothing earth-shattering in this story. We all know that coming out and remaining out is important. But when it comes down to the discrete opportunities for this to happen, there can still be tiny inner bugbears to wrestle with. They’re worth wrestling, though. The satisfaction I still feel from taking this one tiny step today to help normalize marriage equality has energized me enough to write this diary.
Anyone else have stories about surmounting terminology or other being-out bugbears? Do you allies out there get the same zot of happy satisfaction when you find a way to let a stranger know that you’re an ally?
19 Comments
Words matterAnd here I can’t wait to have a boyfriend whom would subsequently be my husband.
I never cared for “partner” as a term. If they’re your girlfriend or boyfriend, then use that term. “Partner” is too p.c. and unemotional.
One of my dad’s coworkers is afraid to ask their boss if the boss’ wife refers to the boss also as “wife” or what.
I don’t know about a generational thing happening, but I’ve found it no problem for anyone around my age (mid-20s) or younger to refer to their lover by the usual adjectives.
Good on ya, Lurleen!I was on a flight to Ft. Myers next to a really interesting couple. We shared talk about our kids going to Wisconsin, about mysteries, poets, writers (he was an ex-prof) and knew some of the same people. Then the wife said, “What does your wife do?” and I said, “I’m married to a man who is a psychologist.” I didn’t expect to say it, it just popped out and I was glad. She nodded, said, “Cool,” and we went along from there. Later I realized that people in the rows around us probably heard all this since they were all quietly reading as we were merrily regaling each other with funny stories about writers we’d known, and writers we liked to read.
love it!
It is amazingly powerful……to use the term (in my case) husband matter-of-factly in everyday situations like this. You’re absolutely right that every time we do, even if nothing more is said about it, a connection has been made that “this is just the way it is.” After all, no one can say “but he’s not really” or “you can’t use that word” because, well, he is and we can. There are no air quotes around the term–its just a simple statement of a legal fact.
I’ve developed the habit (always politely and without breaking the conversation) of gently correcting people when they ask about my “partner” or introduce us as such, for example:
“Do you and your partner have plans for the long weekend?”
“My husband. Yes we’re going diving on Saturday and driving out to the
desert on Monday.”
I don’t get annoyed–after all, it was the term we used for many years–but the exchange makes it clear that things are different now. It also communicates that it’s OK for them to use the term. I’ve found that it’s unlikely for someone else to offer it before they hear it from you (even gay people).
Yes, there are the important things like making sure the doctor and dentist change their records from “domestic partner” to “spouse.” But other times, it’s a little thing that catches you by surprise–like cashing in a customer rewards gift certificate at the sporting goods store. They didn’t want to honor it, even though I had the rewards card, because it had my husband’s name on the certificate. When I explained that my husband just happened to be the one who filled out the form, it prompted a brief, hushed conversation between the clerk and manager–and, of course, they accepted the coupon.
Every couple gets to decide for themselves what terms they use, and I mirror what my friends call themselves (and I dig that I’m also now hearing fiancé). I do think, though, that the collective effect of the many couples who use husband, wife and spouse on a regular basis is very great in communicating that same-sex married people are just part of the community, and that we’re not going away. I also think that, here in California, it will make a difference in the eventual fight to repeal Prop 8. By the time we vote again (if we have to), Californians will have been hearing husband and wife for more than four years, and the question they (and we) will be asking is, “…and why, exactly, would it be a big deal to let more Californians marry??”
Thanks for sharing your story, Lurleen.
I sorta agree but…I sorta agree about “partner” sounding too unemotional but… “boyfriend” sounds a bit too… non-committal.
I mean, after five years, the word just doesn’t feel right anymore. Sure, he may still technically be my “boyfriend”, but he’s so much more then just a boyfriend… and though “partner” may sound a bit PC and unemotional, it does get closer to conveying the level of commitment here.
KettlepotAre you two engaged? Then say that. Fiance? Husband-to-be?
My point is that whatever terms a heterosexual couple use for whatever level of commitment a gay couple is at, the same term applies.
I’ve never had a boyfriend, so I can’t really comment on levels of commitment.
I detest the word “wife”When I get married, she will be my spouse. Wife reminds me too much of heterosexual marriage. I respect anyone who wants to use husband or wife, but it’s not for me. Now my partner uses the word wife all the time, but that’s another story…:)
Wife?The first time the issue jumped up and bit me was with an employer a decade or more ago. The employer, very progressive, established Same Sex Partnership rights and when putting him on the insurance “spouse” just didn’t cut it. ”Husband” was all he or I could use to make this happen. From that day forward we considered ourselves “husbands” and were always open about it. It was only strange once and then…
He died years after and the insurance company sent me a condolence card in memory of my Husband.
Words do matter.
Good on ya and keep it up. It only gets better and easier.
Spouse…is a gender-neutral term and my spouse and I have always used it, even before I ever started down the path toward transition. After I did, neither one of us had to change a thing about how we referred to the other.
I tend towards ‘spouse’But sometimes, especially when I want to make a point of our relationship (which can happen in ‘official’ situations), I will use ‘wife’.
Legally, we’re not — but not for lack of trying (we were among the Newsome weddings), and have been DP’d in California for ages now… But we’re in New Mexico, where our DP means nothing and a marriage in any other state or country (such as Canada) would mean even less, legally speaking.
Moving the world“I know there is nothing earth-shattering in this story.”
Lurleen, I have to disagree with you on that — this is the kind of thing that does move the world: you, and those here who’ve related similar stories, have shattered people’s worlds and presented them with new ones. It’s a very quiet little thing, but it’s still very profound.
We need the high-profile activists and people interrupting the president’s speeches, but we also need this matter-of-fact acceptance of who we are: members in good standing of our communities and the larger society. That’s what takes it out of the newspapers and puts it into people’s daily lives, and that’s what the demonstrations and activism are all about.
Good story. I like stories like that.
It has amazed me.My husband and I have been out and open about our relationship since we met – and fell madly in love and went from dating to partners faster than I even dreamed. And we made sure that insurance and the doctor, etc, knew we were partners.
Then we got married.
Let power of the word “husband” is astonishing. Even in situations we were able to work around before, it’s like magic. When I get a call here at home asking for him, I just say “He’s my husband, how can I help you?” and there is usually a brief gap, but then things move on.
Even with the VA, when I was setting up things for medical care for myself. They didn’t blink an eye listing my husband as my husband. (He doesn’t get any benefits, since he wasn’t a veteran.)
Sometimes it’s a bit scary. We needed my stepdaughter’s tax information from her school, and they gave it to me by email with a phone request. Financial and insurance things have become infinitely easier, and the people on the phone much more helpful. And we live in a state where our marriage is not legally recognized, with no civil unions. Literally, the only change is the word. Nobody has ever asked for proof of our status.
Group outingSo in effect I came out to ver a dozen people at once. I guess that’s efficient. :-)
Love these stories!I am a het ally and I often refer to my husband as “spouse.” He asked me about it once, I told him I tried to be sure to do that in mixed-sexual-orientation contexts to indicate our status as allies, and in (presumed) predominately-heterosexual-orientation contexts to throw people off.
I also love the professionalism of the woman who answered your call, Lurleen. I live in rural SW Iowa, and when marraige equality came to our state, I held my breath for a few days, wondering how our recorder’s office would respond. Some counties were being urged to refuse to obey the ruling, and some recorders were actually threatening to do just that. I heard nary a peep from our recorder’s office, until the day I went in to file a license for a couple I’d married. The couple had told me how nice everyone had been. I made a point to thank both of the people in the recorder’s office, and they were very nice.
I don’t have any idea how they feel personally about the issue, but it matters more to me that they are professional, courteous and nice to the same-sex couples who file there. And I’m thrilled that they are – they say “Congratulations” and everything.
Our kids at church are growing up knowing it’s okay for 2 men or 2 women to be married, and I’m amazed at how “not a big deal” it is for them. When the parents accept it as matter-of-fact, the kids do, too.
Thanks, Lymis.“He’s my husband, how can I help you?” is great. I’ll be using that one…
the flip sideLurleen, your story is really important, as other commenters have said.
I have a story from the other side. A few years ago, an activist visited my university (by a happy coincidence, she’s speaking here again tonight) and challenged people to think about heterosexual privilege. As a straight ally, I decided to use the word partner rather than boyfriend. I didn’t want to claim hetero privilege, and I wanted to share some small part of the GLBT experience as people come out. It is still hard for me to refer to my partner and then NOT rush to slip in a revealing pronoun. I can only hope that my courage will grow to equal yours, Lurleen, and all the rest of you who struggle for equality and acceptance.
debg and other allies,thank you so much for using “spouse” in an effort to recognize the heterosexual privilege you have (i know yuou didn’t ask for it) and to help level the playing field. it means a lot to know that allies are trying their best to meet us half way.
Trudy and I are wives, partners, spouses and best friendsWe tend to use the words interchangeably, though when the situation is one where we have to be “official” about something, it’s usually “wife” or “spouse” when we refer to each other.
I’m covered on her medical insurance. That took a little hoop-jumping, since we’re both female for medical insurance purposes (well, Trudy’s female for all purposes, but i’m in that trans gray area where I’m legally “male” on my birth certificate and legally “female” on my driver’s license – which one really counts here is anyone’s guess. Under New York caselaw, we were able to get a New York marriage license based on the birth certificate difference. So a copy of the marriage certificate and driver’s license clarified things.
Still, medical insurance does not cover everything. It means that if I need a prostate exam, I have to do it “off the grid” because I already know that it’s not in the coverage for women. On the other thing, HRT would cost a lot more if that was not covered.
EngagedThe young woman calls home and her mother answers.
She says, “I’m at my boyfriend’s apartment and I’m so excited, I just had to tell you. We’re engaged!”
Mom pauses a few seconds and responds, “Engaged in what?”