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My apologies in advance for the poor sound quality of the video above, but it couldn’t be helped. The service for Christine Daniels was held in a noisy chapel that was under construction — the acoustic conditions were horrible, and Reverend Dr. Neal Thomas spoke in a low volume and pitched voice. I got him on camera to say what he said in the service, but I didn’t catch him on tape saying. And, that was why it’s appropriate for new and legacy media to refer to Christine Daniels as Christine Daniels, instead as Mike Penner. However, since I’m now going to refer to the Los Angeles Times sportswriter who wrote under the Mike Penner byline as Christine Daniels again, I thought I needed to explain why — and, Reverend Dr. Neal Thomas explains the reason why in the video above.
And, the reason has to do with how Christine identified herself in conversations with her minister, and to one of her very close friends — Susan Horn (who delivered the eulogy to Christine at the memorial service) — after she detransitioned. To the both, she said words to the effect of:
I never stopped being Christine.
And…
Don’t you ever think I’m not Christine.
So now, knowing how she identified, I can — and will — stop calling her by male pronouns, and stop calling her Mike Penner. She detransitioned to Mike not because she wasn’t Christine, but for whatever external pressures to which she succumbed because presenting as Christine became too hard to bare.
But, of course, not presenting herself to the world as Christine was also too hard to bare.
When Christine told her friend Rick Reilly at ESPN why she transitioned, she unknowingly foretold her own passing:
Why now, at 49? I asked. “Survival,” she said. “I had to do it. It was this or die.”She wasn’t kidding.
No, she wasn’t.
I’m quite aware that I’m a lot like Christine — in so many more ways than I’d like to publicly acknowledge. So, I especially know exactly what would happen if I went back to presenting as the male version of me again. In mourning Christine’s passing, I’m left in a place where a cannot help but put myself into her shoes.
So, I choose — along with Christine’s minister, Reverend Dr. Neal Thomas — to celebrate her life, and remember the woman described at the memorial service as a “bubbly blond.”
Susan Horn was one of the ones there who referred to Christine as a “bubbly blond.” Susan delivered a heartfelt and wonderful eulogy about Christine that focused on the beautiful, shared moments of Christine’s life — on the inner beauty that was an aspect of Christine’s life.
After Susan spoke, many other’s spoke of her life in a period of open sharing. On the dais, I shared the story about the shared weekend at the 2007 National Lesbian & Gay Journalist Association Convention in San Diego. Meeting Christine at that convention, and spending so much time with her and two other journalists who identified as trans, was one of the most magical weekends in my life. The Christine I met at that NLGJA convention is the jouyous Christine I choose to remember.
In Reverend D. Neal Thomas’s Christian Eulogy of Christine, he made quite a few comments that stuck in my mind. To begin with, he described Christine’s memorial service as one of the most difficult he ever led — Christine was a parishioner whose thoughtful, kind, and loving attitude to just about all she met caused her to stand out. When Neal spoke of how he had been told by some that, according to Christian faith that Christine wasn’t going to heaven, he actually said “That’s bullshit” from the dais of the church’s sanctuary. He didn’t see her suicide as being completely Christine’s fault:
“The world has to take some responsibility for Christine’s death.”
And, he said to all of the hundred or so people at the service, and as a message to those outside the sanctuary’s walls:
“It is our job to make the world a safer place.”
And…
“Please join me in working to make this world a safer place.”
He’s right. This is not a safe world for lesbian, gay, bisexual and queer people; this is not a safe world for transsexuals, as well as all of the other kinds of trans and gender variant people. It never will be a completely safe place for any peoples who are identified as different from the majority population of our broader society, but it can be a safer place.
It could have been a safer place for Christine.
In and outside of trans community, we needed not only to make room for a safer and warmer world for Christine Daniels, but a safer and warmer world for all people who are not exactly like “us” — however we define “us.”
What do we get in a world where it’s not safe to display gender behaviors that are different than the norms of our broader society?
“I had to do it. It was this or die.”She wasn’t kidding.
Well, Christine died. She apparently couldn’t bear life presenting herself as a gender that wasn’t her gender, and now she’s dead of a completed suicide. I’m with Reverend Neal on this one — “The world has to take some responsibility for Christine’s death.”
I’ll conclude this with the closing thought of Reverend Dr. Neal Thomas:
“Christine, bon voyage.”
Or, as we said in the Navy, fair winds and following seas to you, Christine. I love you; I miss you; thoughts of your beautiful life will be with me always.
~~~~~
Further Reading:
* Los Angeles Times: Old Mike, New Christine
* ESPN: One death can mean two losses
* KPCC: KPCC’s AirTalk: “Transgender Sportswriter Mike Penner Dies”
* Lynn Conway: A Warning For Those Considering MtF SRS
* Ex-Gay Warch: Can One Be A Transgender Christian?
* Amanda Hess at the Washington City Paper: Should We Remember Mike Penner or Christine Daniels?
* Ina Fried at The NLGJA React Blog: Remembering both Christine Daniels and Mike Penner
~~~~~
Related:
* LA Times’ Penner: “I am a transsexual sportswriter.”
* Thinking About Mike Penner; Thinking Again About Destransition
* About The “Real Life Experience” and Detransitioning
* Memorial service for Mike Penner (f.k.a. Christine Daniels)
* Grief Process Stage 3: Bargaining Regarding Mike Penner’s Completed Suicide
* Mike Penner (f.k.a. Christine Daniels) Dead Of Apparent Suicide
* Christine Daniels Retransitioning Back To Mike Penner
* Check Out LA Times Sportswriter Christine Daniels’ Transition Blog (Autumn note: The blog is gone.)
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7 Comments
Thank you, AutumnThank you, Autumn, for reporting on the memorial service for Christine. I know how much her friendship meant to you and how painful her suicide has been. And, especially, thank you for clearing up for all of us how Christine identified even after her public “detransition” to Mike.
We love you, Christine, and we will always miss you.
Blessings,
Abby
“I had to do it. It was this or die.” How many times have I heard this before?
These words hit so close to home.
A sad story, but the lesson is
-when some body says “I had to do it. It was this or die.”
One should probably believe them.
Any given day this happens, a trans-man or trans-woman takes their life and it could have been me or my life partner (also trans). All of us who make it to where we need to be, need to remember her and her lesson.
“I had to do it. It was this or die.”
The words haunt me and ring so true.
I’ll never forget them, because they apply to me and
people I care about. I wish the world could understand.
Thank you AutumnI’m glad that we can have some certainly on Christine’s most basic feeling about still and always being Christine.
“I had to do it…It was this or die.” I never said it. To anyone. But I knew it to be true nonetheless.
Bless you Autumn, for your update on Ms Daniels; I am so glad at least she knew and believed who she was. I am also so sorry you lost a friend.
Jake
Phoenix
Farewell, Christineand thank you, Autumn… (((HUGS)))
ClosureThank you for this report. It’s the closure so many of us needed.
Autumn, thanks for posting this memorial!Whenever I’ve spoken of her, she’s always been Christine and she. As someone who re-transitioned, I know that I never really changed back, regardless of my external presentation. Sadly, Christine didn’t either!