You already know that you need to cover your keyboards… The General wrote to Peter LaBarbera to help him out regarding his tiff with Joe Jervis over at Joe.My.God. He noticed that Peter’s fondness for “undercover” research into all things purportedly gay (he shows little interest in lesbians other than to call me a “vicious anti-Christian lesbian activist“), and he questions The Peter in a way that doesn’t convince me that the anti-gay activist will take him up on the suggestions. You decide.

You admit it in your posted response to Joe Jervis, a man whose commitment to heterosexuality is highly suspect:

I have a comb-over hair style…

I’m really a gay-porn-obsessed homosexual…

I have a small penis…

I am one of the biggest homosexual “closet cases” on the Internet…

I think I understand what’s happening. You’re wondering if women are turned off by your lack of hair, and you’ve probably been humiliated by women who laughed when they saw your penis. These thoughts have left you vulnerable to homosexuality’s lusty advances.

…OK, now the penis. You need to stretch it. I use half-a-dozen alligator clips and a little bailing wire to suspend a Colt Python .357 magnum revolver from mine. It hurts like Hell, but it’s a good kind of hurt, and it makes me feel as potent as a Pirates of the Caribbean double feature.

You have to surf over to see what the General offers up as a cure for LaBarbera’s obsession with homosexuality and his comb-over woes (let’s just say “over-lubed runaway butt plug” comes up).