For those of you who didn’t see it in this weekend’s news cycles, my nemesis Alexis Luther recently exposed that I, as mild mannered new media reporter Autumn Sandeen, have really been presenting to y’all the secret identity of CoffeeGirl, the Kryptonian superhero who uses her coffee related powers to keep Earth safe for truth, justice, and the Ameridroid way.  

I guess the secret’s out — I’m not quite human at all. I’m actually a “the other” type of alien who cares about humanity instead being part of humanity and caring about “us.” (Slogan: We are US, and US is America!) Anywho, now that my superhero identity has been publicly connected to my “secret” identity of mild mannered reporter Autumn Sandeen, I can tell you about stuff that happened last week that I couldn’t tell y’all before.

For starters, I checked with my “friends” Mila and Jayna, and they admitted to me that they do indeed keep a stash of green kryptonite in their home under the bed I slept in. They apologized to me after my secret identity was revealed — they would have kept the kryptonite in their lead lined cedar chest if they had known I was CoffeeGirl, but they’d taken their kryptonite out of the box to show their friend Jenny that they had it, and just hadn’t gotten around to putting it back in the box yet. As Jayna said, “It’s not like we knew you were CoffeeGirl before you slept in the spare room!”

And as for my computer crapping out? My friend April did admit that to me that she does keep a stash of red kryptonite in the house. For those unaware of Kryptonian mythology, each piece of red kryptonite effects Kryptonians differently — It’s the “mystery effect” kryptonite. So this time, the red kryptonite turned my working, Kryptonian laptop into a non-working model. It’s looks like I’ll have to replace the effected component, as my laptop was exposed to the red kryptonite for far too long to recover. And unfortunately, the red kryptonite apparently effected me by giving me insomnia — which lasted for 48 hours during the trip. (That’s the other thing — effects of red kryptonite usually only last 2-days! )

And by the way, when I was young, I suspect it was really pink kryptonite that turned me trans. But, I assume pink kryptonite also infuenced the development of all my coffee related super powers, so of course I wouldn’t begrudge my exposure to this powerful substance.

So, when word got around last week that I didn’t have a wrap up piece for Kim Pearson’s and my appearance on the Rob, Arnie, And Dawn In The Morning show up quick enough to satisfy a critic — well, CoffeeGirl was being effected by kryptonite. I’m sorry…I’m not human after all, which explains what appeared this last week to just be my human frailties — my human limitations.

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Autumn Note: On a serious note, I turn 50-years old on Tuesday. Please help me celebrate by helping me fulfill my birthday wish for TransYouth Family Advocates.