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I filled out the post a little bit. In my haste to post something, I left out my thoughts on the quotes — why they were hurtful in the sense that these quotes were specifically about Angie, but had broader implications, and hit for me a little too close to where I live.
And then, we spell checked too.
~~Autumn~~
I listened to a lot of statements made by Angie Zapata yesterday afternoon and this morning as audio played in court. There were five jailhouse telephone calls from Allen Ray Andrade, the admitted killer of Angie Zapata: one to Angie Tyree, and four to Felicia Mendoza. These were all recorded, collect calls from jailhouses to these two witnesses.
The title to this piece is a quote from Andrade — it was from one of the calls played in court yesterday.
I’d have liked to have this diary up yesterday, as I broke down in tears in the courtroom twice yesterday over the feelings of lost humanity…a feeling that my life, in the defendant’s and his…well, my tears were over statements made by Andrade in his calls to Mendoza. It wasn’t just that the comments were just demeaning to Angie — which these statements definitely were — but in how one statement played to all the transyouth, trans adults, and lesbian, gay, and bisexual adults who all could be the next hate crime victims … the next Angie’s. Andrade’s statements in the first quote so much of a broader commentary about minority populations in general.
And, the second quote — it just hit too close to home. I wasn’t mentally prepared for flood of emotions upon hearing it.
I’d also love this diary to be more detailed, but I’m writing most of this during my lunch break.
The first line that set me to suppressing audible sobs was this one (as verified by the Greeley Tribune and TruTV In Session blog on CNN, as well as by me):
It’s not like I went up to a schoolteacher and shot her in the head or … killed a law-abiding straight citizen.
It was a comment not just about Angie, but about all trans people — all lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans people. The problem with this quote is that there is a measure of truth to this quote — it goes to how a gay panic/trans panic strategy is likely to be used in a killing of a trans victim, no matter what the circumstances of the homicide. I felt a sense of loss and worthlessness in hearing the audio statement.
The other is one I suppressed sobs over was this one from Andrade to Mendoza:
Did you see that thing in make-up?
I added the emphasis — Andrade did not say “that thing” in any particularly emphasizing way.
The reason that one evoked tears was that the last time I was called a trans related epithet to my face, it was “that thing.” It just reminds me of being perceived and treated as a less than human being. So, it brought me to both identifying with Angie as the victim of a brutal killing, and an awareness of sharing the epithet of “that thing” with Angie. One more way her death and family’s pain became personal for me…it’s hard for me to separate from her in my reporting when I identify so much with her.
Tears. Lots of tears. There’s a reason I bring tissues to court.
18 Comments
Spilled Milk?Holy crap; what a cretin this guy is. Of course, I only see the world from my particular point of view, but: this can’t be good for him, can it? Let’s hope not.
ughWhat is there to write about such ignorant and hateful thinking? It’s unbelievably disgusting. It’s equally disgusting that trans-panic is a viable defense. I can’t get my head around his rationalization for taking a human life, for ending a precious and unique instance of consciousness. I’m glad I don’t understand him, but I sure as hell want him held accountable.
Do you think that will happen Autumn? I’m pessimistic myself. Given that you’re there, what outcome do you think Andrade faces?
Gawd, AutumnI canNOT imagine how horrible this is live in the courtroom, if just reading these reports and transcribing vids once in awhile puts me in tears.
Andrade is worse than an animal. Animals at least are capable of love, caring and compassion. I don’t know what word would adequately describe him.
questionLouise, are you falling into the same trap that Andrade is guilty of? He said “that thing.” You said “worse than an animal.” While he admitted to a truly horrific crime that should be severly punished, Andrade is still a person.
sure he is a person…A person that acts like an animal and therefore deserves to be caged like an animal for the rest of his natural life…. He feels NO remorse for his actions as he referred to her in that way not in the heat of the moment but after he was in jail for killing her… He feels justified in his actions IMO
Thanks Autumn!For keeping us up to date in this agonizing time. When I read and listen to the court proceedings I can’t help but see one of my friends, loved ones, or myself lying there lifeless on the floor.
Thank you for being strong and putting a human face on our community through all this! Your sisters and brothers are proud of you =)
Gwen
I disagreeWhen animals turn vicious and attack and kill people for no justifiable reason, we euthanize them for their own safety and the safety of everyone around them. I’m failing to see a difference between a rabid, vicious animal and Allen Andrade.
This is vileAllen Andrade has shown himself to be a remorseless murderer with no regard for innocent life. Autumn, I don’t know how you manage to wake up every day, knowing the risks you take by continuing to breathe and exist in the face of such murderous, unthinking hatred. You are so brave, and so wonderful. Please take care of yourself. You are loved.
I hope notBut certainly it’s a valid question and made me think about what I wrote/ how I feel. A fair gut check…
He is still a person and I don’t think what I wrote took away from that- I just find him to be an incredibly VILE person.
I have no idea. I wear rose colored glasses for a reason.
There IS none…There’s a reason I support the death penalty in some cases. However, this vicious son of a bitch deserves life in prison, so he’ll know what it feels like to be beaten up like that. Good Goddess, I can’t imagine what it’s like to sit there and have to LISTEN to that SOB say that bullshit. You’re a better woman than me, Autumn. I couldn’t do that.
One Horrifying & Tragic Part About AndradeIs that he could be part of the GLBT population and under other circumstances could be happily contributing here, but instead is poised to spend the rest of his life incarcerated.
Of course it’s extremely unlikely we’ll ever know the truth of who he really is and whether Autumn’s speculation is correct, though based on some tantalizing testimony I’d venture the odds of it are far better than random.
This also ties in to the subject matter of an earlier diary that concerned a trollish commenter’s criticism of Autumn’s appearance. In such cases we should never overlook the possibility that the motive is envy.
dehumanizationThanks for sharing the information and your thoughts Autumn. It does bother me that the trans/gay panic defense can still be used. It’s dehumanizing that they can allow such a weak excuse for cold murder.
While trans, bi and gay people have come into the public light more-so than ever, we still have a lot of terrible grief to deal with. It’s easy to dehumanize what you don’t understand.
That’s something that needs our attention, we have to make sure we are understood as human and that these legal loopholes are closed.
About panicIt’s a temporary state in which a person has diminished control of his or her self. This sickening animus of Andrade against transgender people and other sexual nonconformers appears to be a permanent condition–violently extreme but fully conscious, fully articulated, fully controlled, and stable.
It’s now clearly established that a complete lack of regard for Angie’s life, and for the life of anyone like her, is an element of the perp’s ambient psychology. How is a diminished capacity defense even possible now?
He shows a lack of human empathyand that makes him inherently dangerous.
Seconded, a ton.
I have the same opinion…of the Islamist wingnuts, both Sunni and Shia, who glue shut the anuses of gay Iraqis then force them to drink something that causes diarrhoea – which leads to one of the most unpleasant deaths possible. Queerty has more info.
Autumn, thank youIf some moron ever asks if you paid your dues, this time you spent and shared with us counts for 100 lifetimes. And maybe saved some lives too.